6. Am I getting back together with my ex? | Q&A
How to Get Back Together With Your Ex
Despite the lyrics , breakups don't always have to be permanent, and exes tend to get back together . At the same time, reuniting with a partner doesn't have to be one person desperately wooing the other back in true rom-com fashion.
In fact, seeing a reconciliation as anything other than a combination of mutual growth and effort is a pretty unhealthy approach. "I would avoid the mindset of 'winning' over anyone," says Dr. Mariana Bockarova, Ph.D., who teaches relationship psychology at the University of Toronto. "If your relationship is missing some key attributes, no one has won in the end."
So sadly, this list doesn't involve buying an all-leather wardrobe and sexily whispering "Tell me about it, stud" to your very-confused-but-kinda-turned-on ex before you burst into song and never have problems again. But if you're down to be patient, here are nine ways to (maybe) get back together with your ex:
1. Give your partner actual space.
This one will probably be harder if you were the one broken up with, but trust, it's important. If you can't respect your ex-partner's basic wishes of having some space, you're not off to a good start in making them want to date you again.
Of course, if you're trying to get back together, you eventually will want to reach out—but when? While Dr. Bockarova says there's no concrete set of time to wait, a good rule of thumb is to break the silence when you feel more clarity about the relationship.
For instance, she says, if you were broken up with and have been blaming yourself for the split, only reinstate contact when you stop feeling that way. If you did the breaking up, only shoot a text when you're certain that you miss your ex for the right reasons, rather than out of boredom or guilt.
2. Hold back on the badmouthing.
Obviously, breakups feel shitty. It's only natural (and needed) to have a vent session with your closest BFFs.
However, you can be hurt without acting vindictive—especially if your ex is someone you already think you might want to get back together with. "Put yourself in your ex's shoes," Dr. Bockarova says. "Would you appreciate if someone you cared about spoke badly about you to all of your friends, [sent you] an avalanche of angry messages, or revealed secrets you had told them in a vulnerable state?"
If you ever want to open the door to dating each other again, spreading weird rumors or sending mean-spirited texts won't do you any favors. Also, it's just good practice for all breakups, regardless of your future dating intentions. It's never good to divulge super-personal goss about an ex—plus, it won't actually make you feel better.
3. Change your life before seeing if your ex fits into it.
In your time apart, you might feel a little lonelier than you used to, especially when you're making weekend plans for finding activities to fill up a rainy Tuesday night.
But this—learning to like yourself just as much when you're alone—is arguably the most crucial part of this process. Dr. Bockarova suggests investing in new friendships and hobbies and filling up your life with as much joy as possible, even if you're still down about the breakup.
Once you've faced your fear of being partnerless, then, and only then, can you know if you genuinely want your relationship back. "If you only miss your ex when you feel lonely, or when you compare your life to those of friends in relationships but not in moments when you feel happy and confident, it won't make for a very fulfilling relationship down the line," Dr. Bockarova says.
4. Assess if your issues are actually fixable.
OK, so you're sure you miss your ex a lot and DO want them back. But there's more to it than that—were your reasons for breaking up actually mendable?
"Problems that are tangible are easily fixed," Dr. Bockarova says. "If you broke up because a job took a partner into a new city and long distance was difficult, then the problem may be fixed if one or both partners [is] willing to make a sacrifice."
But if you had larger disagreements about your values or plans for the future (such as whether to have kids or where you ultimately want to live) you'll most likely be just as incompatible down the line.
5. Don't overthink how you approach them.
Once you've decided that trying to get back together feels right, and you're pretty sure they're not dating anyone else, it's time to open up the convo. It'll probably feel a little awkward, but the main thing to remember is to do what feels right for the relationship.
For long-term partnerships, Dr. Bockarova suggests being more upfront and honest about missing the person and hoping to meet with them. For shorter-term relationships or fizzled-out dates, she recommends keeping it simple and just asking them if they're free to hang out.
6. Keep the actual meetup spot casual.
Although your old go-to bar with the dimly-lit candles and velvet booths feels hella familiar AND romantic, it's probably not the best bet for this situation.
Instead, Dr. Bockarova's suggests something like an afternoon coffee, so "there aren't high expectations on the meetup, and your partner doesn't feel pressured into staying too long if they feel uncomfortable." Plus, an open-ended, sober daytime hang lets you be clearheaded and honest about how you feel without any pressure.
7. Address the elephant(s) in the room first.
You may very well be tempted to flatter your ex a bunch to warm them up, but unless they're totally oblivious, they already know what's up. Buttering them up comes off as disingenuous, even if it's not your intention.
"If there are any issues that need clarification, or anything you'd like to apologize to your partner for, do that early on," Dr. Bockarova says. "Sort out your issues so that your partner can tell you've given this some thought, and it isn't a spur of the moment decision to re-enter into a relationship."
8. End things on some great memories.
Ok, so you've sufficiently covered everything you've reflected on in your time apart. You've built a case for getting back together, and your ex has given their verdict. Maybe they're enthusiastically into it—or maybe they're very firmly against. Either way, you should reflect on the best parts of your relationship.
"You always want to end this conversation on a positive note—a memory you'll always cherish, or maybe why you are glad your partner entered into your life," Dr. Bockarova says. If you love your ex enough to want to be with them again, you should try to look at your past with zero regrets, regardless of the final outcome.
9. If you do get back together, really do the work.
This goes back to the no "winning them over" thing—if you decide to give it another go, know that it's not an overnight process.
"Although it will take some work to rebuild trust, this is your opportunity to form an even deeper bond," Dr. Bockarova says. "But that can only be if you speak up to your partner about what you like and dislike, when you feel hurt and when you feel happy, and how you'd like to be treated." She also recommends therapy to sort out any recurring issues.
The point is, as fated and passionate as getting back together can feel, there were still reasons you broke up in the first place, and now's the time to tackle them. But hey, when you're with the person you want to be with, you already know you're down to try again.
Video: 5 Stages of Getting Back Together with Your Ex
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